Storm

[unicornduke]

I'm now even more deeply irritated at F for not clearing the whole driveway last week. Everything she didn't clear has become a solid sheet of ice, but it was primarily that most uphill parts of the driveway she didn't clear, because she doesn't park there and also doesn't need to load things into her vehicle. I park there and I will need to load my truck with another load of items to go to my parents next weekend (probably). 

We have a storm today that gave us 3 inches of snow already and will be wintery mix this afternoon. I decided to clear snow as soon as it looked like it would switch to ice because at least then the blacktop and sun will melt the ice in the next day or so. I just came in from doing that and it is impossible to clear snow on any part of the driveway that is iced over, the snowblower simply can't get any traction and it isn't safe to do it by hand because of how sloped the driveway is. So now we have compounded snow/ice problems at the top of our driveway. 

I'm not blaming her for the ice down below the house, that is from the snow that dumped off the house all at once and became ice but that's a small area and will need salting anyway because it's right at the top of the ramp.

I just need to keep telling myself this isn't my problem in two months but it's so annoying now because I put a lot of work into making sure the driveway was fully cleared anytime we got any snow because I knew this was going to happen. 

Comments

[ranunculus]

The issues you have had with your roommate often seem to be ones of passive aggressive non-actions. She wouldn't clean common areas in ways that are important to you, and she showed zero consideration of you in clearing the driveway.
If you aren't already talking to your therapist about ways to identify and avoid problems with that kind of personality, then you probably should be. I would suggest written agreements spelling out duties and expectations in any future living together situation. As a guide, the "Living Together Kit" published by Nolo Press. It has great suggestions, has been around for many decades and is still being updated and published. I have found its suggestions very helpful.

[unicornduke]

I think part of the problem is just how we are as people. We agreed on certain things before moving in together, "The Rules" and I follow them but to her, rules are guidelines or might as well not exist. She's got some kind of hella ADHD and is an incredible procrastinator, so I think we've just got personalities that don't mesh with living together. The upstairs of the house is a wreck and I don't know how she lives like that. I'm also irritated because while I was away last week, I let her via text know my sister is coming Friday and she told me yesterday she thought my sister was coming Sunday and thus, very little of her stuff had been cleaned off surfaces. I think my fundamental issue is that it won't matter how much I remind her of stuff, it will happen on her timeline or not at all. And her timeline is down to the very last minute. I can't live like that and I don't like her enough as a friend to overlook it.

I apparently was very spoiled living with my friend J for eight years, who wouldn't clean much but if I asked her to move a thing or do a thing, it got done within a week no matter what. And she kept her stuff mostly out of the living room or neat, not boxes of stuff sitting around. And I conceded that she could feed her cat on a table, which was extremely disgusting to me but that was her responsibility to clean.

I think we just couldn't have predicted this mis-match going into it since we both agreed to things and we've made it almost three years which isn't the worst. But I'll take a look at the guide for future stuff! Right now it looks like I'll be living solo in the farmhouse, but maybe my sister will move back in or I'll find someone I like as a really good friend and they move in.

[ranunculus]

My response was very much about the future, not the past. One of the things I do know, as a result of my own therapy sessions (a long time ago). It was pointed out that people tend to make the same mistakes over and over. One of the most effective ways to break the cycle is to very intentionally learn to identify the initial red flags.
Here is a example that helped me a lot: When meeting a person for the first time, listen very closely to what they say about others. If you are on a date; what do they say about their past partners? If they trash talk past partners, then they will trash talk you. If they crow about how they took advantage of business partners they will take advantage of you. Ironically this is also a great thing to do to yourself. How do I talk about others?
You are doing such a great job of organizing your life and making such huge changes that I thought twice about offering this advice. I know you will be more cautious after this experience of living with someone, but felt I had to at least offer some additional tools.

[unicornduke]

No, I appreciate it! This is the first time I've lived with someone who it didn't work out with and I think I have a tendency to drift away from people who aren't super compatible with me in general and that can sift out people who might not be living compatible. I wouldn't be living with F if her sister (B) who I'm much better friends with hadn't vouched for her since they lived together for a while as adults and for me to F. I think the circumstances were different though and so F's messes have crept out. I suspect future living situations won't be like that but I'll keep an eye out for the guide if it comes up.

[reedrover]

Huge sympathy. I know how not moving snow can compound problems as it refreezes and then becomes impossible without a backhoe.